Sarah is a sweet and wonderful lady that I used to work with when I lived on the east coast. My family moved away and we kept in touch over the course of the years. (As a side note, her sweet baby boy, Ace, was born just four days before my little girl :) I was thrilled when Sarah contacted me a few months ago to let me know that her family would be traveling through the area. It was wonderful getting to see them again and to meet their addition to their family. Ace is such a smart little boy! The entire photo shoot, he was completely engaged in his surroundings and was more than happy to show off how well he could get around. Sarah was also gracious enough to share some of her own story and insights on the topic of motherhood. Please continue reading to hear her thoughts!
“I am an older first-time mom. My husband and I have been married for nearly a decade, and we always wanted to have a lot of kids. In fact, we started trying to grow our family pretty soon after we were married. It turns out that we are a perfect storm of not being able to have children. We tried everything from medical approaches to adoption to foster care adoption. Year after year, we were only met with heartache. Finally, during our 8th year of marriage, we successfully conceived through ivf; it’s a long, crazy, miraculous story, so suffice it to say, we shouldn’t have a child, and yet we do. He is so treasured and loved, and we truly believe that he is an answer to many, many years of prayer.
During those years of longing to become a mother, I’d often wonder what it would feel like, would my identity change, would I have the capacity to love differently? I had so many unanswered questions and so many fears. I even wrote a song about it. In it, I said, “I’m supposed to be a woman, but everything keeps turning out broken.” Eventually, I came to a place of peace, even if I could never have a child. I am a Christian, but instead of loving God, I was loving an idea of what I thought my life should look like. The peace only came when I realized that I would choose to love God no matter the outcome. It’s strange to think about it now because the heartache and longing has been replaced with joy, thankfulness, awe, and a whole lot of sleepless nights. Those sad years have melted away, and the memory of them gets foggier every new day with my boy.
My son, Ace, was born a couple weeks early and I couldn’t hold him right away because of some complications. I remember the sweetest moment was when they finally placed him on my chest. I just kept caressing his pile of brown, curly hair and saying “I’m your mommy!” And I am his mommy, and it’s awesome and it’s hard. Nursing was challenging for me in the beginning, but we finally figured it out and it’s one of my favorite times of the day. I love when he gazes in my eyes or smiles with milk running out of his mouth. One of my favorite pictures is a selfie of me breastfeeding him in my Navy uniform (I’m no longer serving). It reminds me of how hard I worked to be able to breastfeed Ace, and I am so thankful that it worked out for us because I almost gave up.
I wanted to have something each month that would show me his growth month by month and also be a little unique to our family. My husband and I are both musicians and we are surrounded by musical friends! We’ve been having Ace pose with a variety of instruments. Every month is a different one. He’s nearing 10 months now, and we’ll have to figure out which to pose him with next. I love taking these photos of him because he is so inquisitive about the instruments. When I look at the photos, I don’t just see Ace next to a saxophone or a set of bagpipes. I recall the memories of trying to keep the instruments out of his mouth or using them to try to stand up. I remember how we couldn’t get him to look at the camera because all he wanted to do was push on buttons. It’s so important to have memories attached to the photos, otherwise, they just kind of get lost in a sea of pictures that scroll along a screen saver and are background noise. I want our photos to be like memorable music, not just the radio playing when cleaning the house or going for a jog.
I kept putting off taking family photos because I was sad that I hadn’t lost much of the baby weight I put on. In the end though, this is me in the here and now, and my body changed because it built and feeds a small human and needs a bit more time to go back to the way it was. I don’t want my son to see that his mom is ashamed of that and that I hide from having my picture taken. And don’t get me wrong…it’s a daily struggle sometimes to not judge my appearance harshly. Thankfully, becoming a mother has helped me a become a lot less consumed with myself and a whole lot more focused on being a parent. I want Ace to see what his mommy looked like and not have to ask me why I’m not in the pictures. I also want to be participating in his life rather than only observing it. I’ve had to consciously pass the camera phone to someone else or even not care that every sweet moment is documented. I want to be in those sweet moments!
I hope we continue to take family photos over the years. I’m looking forward to showing Ace’s friends his baby pictures. Who knows… Maybe we’ll be blessed with more children and they can compare themselves through the pictures. I’ve got two sisters and a brother and we were constantly pulling out old baby photos and seeing what things we did that were the same or how our eyes are all the same shape. We still pull out the old albums and laugh at bad perms and horrible glasses and clothing choices. Photos do that. They capture one moment stilled in time, but that moment will last for years to come and provide a way for our family to reminisce over all the other wonderful moments we share.”
Thank you so much for sharing these beautiful thoughts, Sarah! I enjoyed every minute of getting to work with you again!
Christina Freeman specializes in family, newborn, children and maternity portraits in the Dallas, TX and surrounding areas including Lewisville, The Colony, Richardson, Addison, Plano, Prosper, Frisco, Allen, Wylie, McKinney, Princeton and other Dallas, TX suburbs.
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